How about a joke thread

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Miss G on Wed Jan 26, 2011 6:58 pm

LOL!!!!!!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 01YZF6 on Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:10 pm

nice ones !
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Thu Jan 27, 2011 12:09 pm

The Dot l

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 01YZF6 on Thu Jan 27, 2011 12:41 pm

thats f@cked ! heheh
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Thu Jan 27, 2011 3:11 pm

True story here.......

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00622/beer_goggles_622180a.swf
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Miss G on Fri Jan 28, 2011 10:46 am

jmunsey wrote:The Dot l

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

*snort* lol!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Sun Jan 30, 2011 1:16 am

LIE DETECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
At 5:30 that afternoon, his 11 year old son, Tommy, returned home from school two hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked his mother, Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 01YZF6 on Sun Jan 30, 2011 11:16 am

thanks for the coffee covered screen this morning !

Very Happy
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Sun Jan 30, 2011 6:00 pm

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Sun Jan 30, 2011 6:03 pm

Amy, a blond Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy,

"The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.

I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn.

You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"


So the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front

door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along long row of cows

and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,

"Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"



That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says:


"I guess it's to hang your pants on..."

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Tue Feb 01, 2011 11:46 am

A young blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 01YZF6 on Tue Feb 01, 2011 2:35 pm

hahahhahaha !
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Tue Feb 01, 2011 4:44 pm

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy;

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says,

"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're an aide in the Obama Administration", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living --- or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 01YZF6 on Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:57 pm

BAHAHAHAHA !
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Tue Feb 01, 2011 9:14 pm

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!"


"Great, but how?" asked Harry.


"We'll go to Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most Middle Americans wear then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador. When we look the part, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."


So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Hardin, Montana. With the dog in tow they walked inside and stepped up to the bar. The Bartender took a step back and said, "Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"


"Yes we are," said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color." They ordered a round of bourbon and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.


A grizzled old farmer came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left looking puzzled. Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"


"Lord no," said the bartender. "It's just that someone told them there was a Labrador in here with two buttholes!"
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Wed Feb 02, 2011 12:57 pm

http://www.politesociety.com/binladenliquors_ol10[1].swf

Great little PC game for rainy days and those days where ya like to vent.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Thu Feb 03, 2011 2:13 am

POLICE SENSITIVITY

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care.

Well, here is a story that shows not all cops are in that category.

The Fredericksburg, Tx., Police Department reported finding a man's body last Saturday

in the Pedernales River near the Hwy-87 Bridge. The dead man's name would not be

released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone"

in Kerrville, Tx . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string,

purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Police do care.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Miss G on Thu Feb 03, 2011 1:26 pm

lol!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Thu Feb 03, 2011 9:10 pm

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.

He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone
was sitting there.

"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the first man.

"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super
Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we
got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 01YZF6 on Thu Feb 03, 2011 10:14 pm

hahhahaha !
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Sat Feb 05, 2011 5:13 pm

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Dominique."

"Sir, Dominique is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Dominique."

Just then, Dominique appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Dominique, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more, demanding to see Dominique. She exclaimed that hardly anyone had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Dominique, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Dominique and they went upstairs.

After their session, Dominique said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, “Buffalo”.

"Really," she said. "I have family in Buffalo."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of this story is that there are 3 things in life that are certain:

(1) Death,

(2) Taxes, and

(3) Being Screwed by a Lawyer.

From the Law Offices of Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 01YZF6 on Sat Feb 05, 2011 8:31 pm

hahahah !
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 01YZF6 on Sat Feb 05, 2011 8:36 pm

Obamasigned the bill that allows gays to serve openly in the Military.

No more don't ask don't tell.

But what has he really done but cause more confusion in the ranks.

This is what now can happen. So for the moment, imagine....................

You're in a combat situation, the enemy is firing at you, and running toward your position........

The guy next to you is openly g@y, when someone yells out..........

"Shoot the kocksucker!"

Now do you see the confusion?





--------------------

------------------
No sex since 1955




A crusty old MARINE MASTER SERGEANT found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom

approached the Sgt for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sgt, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
said, "You know, you should lighten up...relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sgt just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him
to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sgt said in his serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Gotta love military time.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Miss G on Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:44 am

lol! *snort*
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Tue Feb 08, 2011 12:27 pm

It's Republican.
I stopped by the auto dealership yesterday and took a new truck for a test drive. The salesman, wearing an Obama lapel pin, sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and its options.

"It has all of the latest technology," he chimed. "For example, the seats blow warm air on your backside in the winter and cool air in the summer heat."

"This must be a Republican truck," I commented.

What do you mean this is a 'Republican' truck?" he replied with a perturbed look.

"Well, if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your butt year-round."

I had to walk back to the dealership.
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Re: How about a joke thread

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