How about a joke thread

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No sex since 1955

Post by jughead on Mon Nov 08, 2010 8:51 pm

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Dragon on Mon Nov 08, 2010 11:47 pm

Ooooh Rah.... Cool
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Dragon on Fri Nov 12, 2010 12:30 am

A biker was out riding on a Sunday afternoon when he hit a bird. Being Sunday and him being in a good mood he decided to stop and check on the bird. He picked it up out of the ditch alongside the road but it appeared to be dead. But again it being Sunday he considered how it was one of God's creatures so he took it to a vet.

The vet examined the bird and told the biker it was just knocked out and would eventually come to. So the biker took the bird home, found an old wooden box and put the bird in the box. Then he put in a piece of stale bread and a cup of water. Finally, he nailed some screen across the open side of the box.





Later, the bird woke up, saw the prison like interior of the box, the stale bread and the water and said to himself, "Holy s*it, I killed the fricking biker."
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:31 am

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he's staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

The cabbie says "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."



She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic!"

"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Sat Nov 20, 2010 11:25 pm

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbors' male dog while they were
away on vacation.

She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off
to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious
pain and unable to disengage as happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a
very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me!" he replied.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Dragon on Tue Nov 23, 2010 10:01 pm

Things you can say only at THANKSGIVING and get away with
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
01. Talk about a huge breast!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
03. It's Cool Whip time!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
05. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
07. Are you ready for seconds yet?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
08. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Don't play with your meat.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Guest on Wed Nov 24, 2010 12:42 pm

Two guys sitting on the porch enjoying a cool one. A dog comes up and sats down besides them, lifts his leg and licks his balls. One guy looks at the other and states....dayyum, man I wish I could DO THAT! The other guy looks at him and says you better pet him first, he looks like he will bite!

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Mon Dec 06, 2010 11:59 pm

At the end of Sunday service the Minister asked "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" All responded except One Old lady. "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies" "I don't have any" she replied "Madam, that is unusual. How old are you?" 98, she said & the congregation applauded. "Madam would you please tell... us how a person can live 98 years & not have any enemies?" The lady said, "I outlived the Bitches."
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Mon Dec 06, 2010 11:59 pm

A Huge biker & his wife enter the Dentists office & the biker says, “I want a tooth pulled. We’re in a big hurry, so let’s not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that other stuff.” “You’re a very brave man.” Says the Dentist “Which tooth is it?” The biker turns to his wife & says, “Show him your bad tooth, Honey.”
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Mon Dec 06, 2010 11:59 pm

A lady says, "Doc, kiss me." He says, "I can't." She says, "Doc, please kiss me." He says, "I can't." She says, "Doc, please kiss me..." He says, "Look, lady, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you."
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Wed Jan 12, 2011 9:24 pm

A man and his wife were at home watching TV.

As usual, he had the remote and was switching back and forth between the fishing channel and the porn channel.

As he jumped back and forth between the two channels, she became more and more annoyed... and finally said:

"For GOSH sakes, leave it on the porn channel !!

...You already know how to fish! "
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Miss G on Wed Jan 12, 2011 9:56 pm

Bwahahaha!!!!! cheers
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:42 pm

In 2011, both Groundhog Day and President Obama's State of the Union Address will occur on the same day -- Wednesday, February 2.

It's an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:43 pm

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave Her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:47 pm

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'


The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:51 pm

The Afghan Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to DETROIT"!!!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Fri Jan 21, 2011 9:06 pm

Your Duck is Dead--


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary

surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet

pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's

chest.



After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and

sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has

passed away."



The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the

vet..



"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean

you haven't done any testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something."



The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the

room. He returned a few minutes later with a black

Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on

in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his

front paws on the examination table and sniffed the

duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the

vet with sad eyes and shook his head.



The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out

of the room. A few minutes later he returned with

a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately

sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back

on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and

strolled out of the room.



The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,

but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,

a dead duck."



The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys

and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"

she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The

vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my

word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the

Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Mon Jan 24, 2011 7:34 pm

ENJOY - A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later that the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Mon Jan 24, 2011 7:34 pm

THE BEST BLONDE JOK E OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and Stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)



'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Miss G on Mon Jan 24, 2011 10:57 pm

*snort* lol!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Tue Jan 25, 2011 5:45 pm

THE COYOTE
California:
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature
trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the
Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie
"Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only
doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote
and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating
it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked
for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of
dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a
"coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better
treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the
world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the
attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with
additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit
against the State.


TEXAS:

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature
trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and
keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point
cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Miss G on Wed Jan 26, 2011 6:42 am

lol!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:10 pm

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
Cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

__________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife At all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
Good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
Been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
That were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
Take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
Asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
Surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'

_________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
Of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
Advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
Of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
Even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
There.'
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:12 pm

Today's word is................. Fluctuations


I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just
one woman in front of me, an older Asian lady who was trying to exchange

her yen for dollars. After a time, it was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"



The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." Infuriated, the
Asian lady yells, "Oh yeah, well fluc you white people too!"

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:59 pm

Dear God,

All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a
slim body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year.


Amen

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