How about a joke thread

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by crispy on Thu Jul 26, 2012 10:36 am

lol! thats to funny
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Fri Jul 27, 2012 5:12 pm

Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been
produced in Kenya. Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled
into the US via Hawaii. Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have
ever been worked hard. Apparently it was pampered by various owners over
the years. It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can really
sling the manure for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire the manure
spreader next November.

I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way. I would prefer a
foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country. I would
be willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the United States
Constitution.

Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington , D.C.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by hayweed on Fri Jul 27, 2012 5:50 pm

cheers

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by ZombieNNN on Fri Jul 27, 2012 6:52 pm

Nice.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Dragon on Sat Jul 28, 2012 2:46 pm

No s*it. Very Happy


(Correction, a LOT of s*it Wink )
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Tue Jul 31, 2012 1:47 pm

The definition of "trust"

Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.
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I nominate this as the joke of the Month!

Post by JSteele on Tue Jul 31, 2012 2:06 pm

jughead wrote:The definition of "trust"

Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Wed Aug 08, 2012 11:40 pm

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!

Grab a tissue, this is hilarious.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy COW, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting WASTED from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. BITTY is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really MAKES ME MAD that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I POOPED IN MY PANTS when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that WENCH Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my BUTT with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

~A~
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Thu Aug 09, 2012 12:11 pm

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.
The newcomer asks, "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"
The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor."
"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"
The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem.
"A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"
"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by mobilestromrider on Fri Aug 10, 2012 7:03 pm

^^^^ LOL^^^^ Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Tue Aug 14, 2012 11:16 pm

Shits and Giggles
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk to the gills, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh s*it," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by crispy on Wed Aug 15, 2012 4:58 pm

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. So he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE, I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
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TOP 10

Post by JSteele on Thu Aug 16, 2012 4:18 pm


TOP 10 REASONS WHY HARLEY RIDERS DON’T WAVE BACK:

•Afraid it will invalidate warranty.
•Leather and studs make it too heavy to raise arm.
•Refuse to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
•Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off.
•Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos.
•Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley.
•Just discovered that fine print in owner’s manual and realized that H-D is partially owned by Honda.
•Can’t tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
•Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spike helmet.
•They’re too tired from spending hours polishing all that chrome to lift their arms.


TOP TEN REASONS WHY GOLDWING RIDERS DON’T WAVE BACK:

•Wasn’t sure whether other riders was waving or making an obscene gesture.
•Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.
•Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.
•Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.
•The espresso machine just finished.
•Was actually asleep when other rider waved.
•Was in a three-way conference call with stockbroker and accessories dealer.
•Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.
•Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature, and satellite navigation system.
•Couldn’t find the “auto wave back” button on dashboard.


TOP 10 REASONS CROTCHROCKETS DON’T WAVE BACK:

•They have not been riding long enough to know they’re supposed to.
•They’re going too fast to have enough time to register the movement and respond.
•You weren’t wearing bright enough gear.
•If they stick their arm out going that fast, they’ll rip it out of the socket.
•They’re too occupied with trying to get rid of chicken strips.
•They look way too cool with both hands on the bars or they don’t want to unbalance themselves while standing on the tank.
•Their skin tight-kevlar-ballistic-nylon-kangaroo-leather suits prevent any position other than fetal.
•Raising an arm allows bugs into the armholes of their tank tops.
•It’s too hard to do one-handed stoppies.
•They were too busy slipping their flip-flops back on.


TOP 10 REASONS WHY BMW RIDERS DON’T WAVE BACK:

•New Aerostitch suit too stiff to raise arm.
•Removing a hand from the bars is considered “bad form”.
•Your bike isn’t weird enough looking to justify acknowledgement.
•Too sore from an 800-mile day ride on a stock “comfort” seat.
•Too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to Ipod, XM, or talking on the cell phone.
•He’s an Iron Butt rider and you’re not!
•Wires from Gerbings are too short.
•You’re not riding the “right kind” of BMW.
•You haven’t been properly introduced.
•Afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Dragon on Thu Aug 16, 2012 5:21 pm

Very Happy
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Mon Aug 20, 2012 5:04 pm

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Tue Aug 28, 2012 2:06 pm

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!"

"Great Nancy , but how?" asked Harry.

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to
a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana . With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"

"Yes we are!" said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 72shovelhead on Wed Aug 29, 2012 10:29 pm

Oh my these last two pages has me rolling on the floor!!! god they are great! lol!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Thu Aug 30, 2012 10:46 pm

In the darkness of night a couple is lying in bed naked, and she says, "Oh, honey, that feels good. Your hand rubbing against my shoulder." Seconds later, she continues, "Oh, and I like the way you're touching my back, ooohhh and do that again... the way you caressed my breast." She slowly spreads her legs, "Oh.. that is so nice, your fingers exploring around ... and don't stop what you're doing now, your hand all around my bum..." Suddenly, she says, "You stopped.... don't stop. Why did you stop?" He says,....."I found the remote...."
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Fri Aug 31, 2012 12:19 pm

Democratic Convention Schedule (the Demonizing of America)


2012 Democratic National Convention Schedule -- Charlotte , N.C.

4:00 PM – Opening Flag Burning Ceremony – sponsored by CNN
4:05 PM – Singing of "God Damn America " led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright
4:10 PM – Pledge of Allegiance to Obama.

4:15 PM – Ceremonial 'I hate America ' led by Michelle Obama.
4:30 PM – Tips on “How to keep your man trustworthy & true to you while you travel the world” – Hillary Clinton
4:45 PM – Al Sharpton / Jesse Jackson seminar “How to have a successful career without having a job.”

5:00 PM – “Great Vacations I’ve Taken on the Taxpayer’s Dime" Travel Log - Michelle Obama.
5:30 PM – Eliot Spitzer Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite
5:45 PM – Tribute to All 57 States – Nancy Pelosi

6:00 PM – Sen. Harry Reid - 90-minute speech expressing the Democrat’s appreciation of the Occupy Wall Street movement, and George Soros for sparing no expense, for all that they have accomplished to unify the country, improve employment and to boost the economy.

8:30 PM – Airing of Grievances by the Clintons
9:00 PM – “Bias in Media – How we can make it work for you” Tutorial – sponsored by CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, the Washington Postand the New York Times

9:15 PM – Tribute Film to Brave Freedom Fighters incarcerated at GITMO – Michael Moore
9:45 PM – Personal Finance Seminar - Charlie Rangle
10:00 PM – Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners and Bible readers.

10:30 PM – Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for Iraq & Afghanistan
11:00 PM – Obama Energy Plan Symposium / Tire Gauge Demonstration / You too can get rich with Green Investment bankruptcies
11:15 PM – Free Gov. Blagovich rally

11:30 PM – Obama Accepts Oscar, Tony and Latin Grammy Awards
11:45 PM – Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish - Obama Presiding
12:00 Midnight – Official Nomination of Obama by Bill Maher and Chris “He sends a thrill up my leg” Matthews

12:01 AM – Obama Accepts Nomination as Lord and Savior
12:05 AM – Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 AM – Biden Delivers Acceptance Speech
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by camo on Sun Sep 02, 2012 4:14 pm

JSteele wrote:
TOP 10 REASONS WHY HARLEY RIDERS DON’T WAVE BACK:

•Afraid it will invalidate warranty.
•Leather and studs make it too heavy to raise arm.
•Refuse to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
•Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off.
•Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos.
•Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley.
•Just discovered that fine print in owner’s manual and realized that H-D is partially owned by Honda.
•Can’t tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
•Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spike helmet.
•They’re too tired from spending hours polishing all that chrome to lift their arms.


TOP TEN REASONS WHY GOLDWING RIDERS DON’T WAVE BACK:

•Wasn’t sure whether other riders was waving or making an obscene gesture.
•Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.
•Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.
•Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.
•The espresso machine just finished.
•Was actually asleep when other rider waved.
•Was in a three-way conference call with stockbroker and accessories dealer.
•Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.
•Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature, and satellite navigation system.
•Couldn’t find the “auto wave back” button on dashboard.


TOP 10 REASONS SPORTBIKE RIDERS DON’T WAVE BACK:

•They have not been riding long enough to know they’re supposed to.
•They’re going too fast to have enough time to register the movement and respond.
•You weren’t wearing bright enough gear.
•If they stick their arm out going that fast, they’ll rip it out of the socket.
•They’re too occupied with trying to get rid of chicken strips.
•They look way too cool with both hands on the bars or they don’t want to unbalance themselves while standing on the tank.
•Their skin tight-kevlar-ballistic-nylon-kangaroo-leather suits prevent any position other than fetal.
•Raising an arm allows bugs into the armholes of their tank tops.
•It’s too hard to do one-handed stoppies.
•They were too busy slipping their flip-flops back on.


TOP 10 REASONS WHY BMW RIDERS DON’T WAVE BACK:

•New Aerostitch suit too stiff to raise arm.
•Removing a hand from the bars is considered “bad form”.
•Your bike isn’t weird enough looking to justify acknowledgement.
•Too sore from an 800-mile day ride on a stock “comfort” seat.
•Too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to Ipod, XM, or talking on the cell phone.
•He’s an Iron Butt rider and you’re not!
•Wires from Gerbings are too short.
•You’re not riding the “right kind” of BMW.
•You haven’t been properly introduced.
•Afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture.

I LOVE THIS ONE..
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by ZombieNNN on Mon Sep 03, 2012 10:39 pm

Camo, is this why you don't wave?
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jaded on Tue Sep 04, 2012 12:16 am

First off, just a joke here - I'm a Harley fan myself. but this one still makes me chuckle.


What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley?

You can only fit one dirtbag on a vacuum cleaner.


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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Tue Sep 04, 2012 5:21 pm

jaded wrote:First off, just a joke here - I'm a Harley fan myself. but this one still makes me chuckle.


What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley?

You can only fit one dirtbag on a vacuum cleaner.



Difference between a hound dog and a Harley

The hound dog can get in the truck by its self.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jaded on Tue Sep 04, 2012 8:53 pm

lol! I like that one.
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Social Security

Post by JSteele on Wed Sep 05, 2012 9:51 am

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pulldown your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

.
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Re: How about a joke thread

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