How about a joke thread

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by hayweed on Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:59 am

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,

"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.


Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off,
So I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car,
Just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to
break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three
blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn
phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
Register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
The phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
Back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
Rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."


______________________________________
I tried being NORMAL once.....It didn't work out.


LIFE'S SHORT,RIDE HARD
The older we get, The fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by hayweed on Wed Sep 01, 2010 12:00 pm

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer - did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer - who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir - we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line - and we think he'll win.

______________________________________
I tried being NORMAL once.....It didn't work out.


LIFE'S SHORT,RIDE HARD
The older we get, The fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by hayweed on Wed Sep 01, 2010 12:00 pm

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car

accident... The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder:

Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter

said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he

left. The couple sat and waited for an answer.....for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get

married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together FOREVER?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven.."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering: what if things don't work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground."What' s wrong?" Asked the bewildered couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!

Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find an honest lawyer?"

______________________________________
I tried being NORMAL once.....It didn't work out.


LIFE'S SHORT,RIDE HARD
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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Edera on Wed Sep 01, 2010 4:12 pm

HELL EXPLAINED

By a Ceramic Engineering Student at University of Washington

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Ceramic Engineering mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.




This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Guest on Wed Sep 01, 2010 4:45 pm

THAT IS AWESOME....I like the way this guy thinks!

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Edera on Wed Sep 01, 2010 4:57 pm

A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day,when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while,
the biker turned to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" said the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The biker again pulled up beside her and asks "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back!"

"NO!" said the little girl as she hurried on down the street.

The biker pulled up beside the little girl again and said, "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride!"

Finally, the little girl stopped, turned toward him and screamed out...

"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley"!

"YOU RIDE IT!"
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Guest on Wed Sep 01, 2010 5:01 pm

Oowh!.....damn....can someone pull this knife out of my back!

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Dragon on Wed Sep 01, 2010 6:41 pm

Twisted Evil
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by camo on Fri Sep 03, 2010 10:39 pm

Do you know what a hound dog and a harley davidson have in common?








Thier initials are HD and they both like to ride in the back up pick-up trucks.



There Twisted, I got your back. lol!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Sun Sep 05, 2010 9:42 am

Farmer Jones' barn burned down. Farmer Jones called the insurance company. He spoke to the insurance agent and said. "We had that barn insured for $50,000, and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute! Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured and then we'll provide you another barn, just like the original one." There was a long pause, then Farmer Jones said, "Well, if that's how it works, I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my wife."
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Joke

Post by misfit on Wed Sep 15, 2010 10:57 am

There were two guys standing on the front porch drinking beer and shooting the breeze, like guys do... laying in the yard infront of the porch there was a dog licking his crotch, like dogs do... one of the guys says to the other , "Man, I wish I could do that." The other guy tells him, "He would biiiiite yoooou".
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Guest on Wed Sep 15, 2010 11:00 am

What is the difference between a dollar bill and an Auburn football player......


You can still get 4 quarters out of a dollar! Laughing

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Funny or Sad

Post by hayweed on Tue Oct 05, 2010 12:54 pm

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".
I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids

ate breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy
birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".
I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at
a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the
meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't

mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back".
"OK", I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a
huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-

workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked...

______________________________________
I tried being NORMAL once.....It didn't work out.


LIFE'S SHORT,RIDE HARD
The older we get, The fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Dragon on Tue Oct 05, 2010 4:09 pm

But were you riding your Harley to cover that? Razz
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Wed Oct 06, 2010 9:11 pm

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark,

"Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Thu Oct 07, 2010 10:18 pm




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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Dragon on Tue Oct 12, 2010 7:06 am

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by hayweed on Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:32 pm

This was emailed to me. I have NO political standing on this. Just thought it was funnier than s&^t.



Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."



Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .. . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was then connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


lol!

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I tried being NORMAL once.....It didn't work out.


LIFE'S SHORT,RIDE HARD
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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Fri Oct 22, 2010 7:41 pm

hayweed wrote:This was emailed to me. I have NO political standing on this. Just thought it was funnier than s&^t.



Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."



Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .. . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was then connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


lol!


lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Edera on Fri Oct 22, 2010 8:24 pm

Just got this one. I thought it was cute


A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.


Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Dragon on Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:11 pm

lol!

(and you picked up his brother three years ago. Razz )
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Paladin on Fri Oct 22, 2010 10:36 pm

Edera wrote:Just got this one. I thought it was cute


A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.


Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.
lol!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by river rat on Fri Oct 22, 2010 11:04 pm

I'm sorry Jughead but the obit on the hokey pokey man tore me up.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Mon Nov 01, 2010 3:48 pm

A biker, who worked on a horse farm, got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. Since it was a rural road with no traffic, the biker tried to get the trooper to let him off with a warning. Instead, the trooper lectured the biker about speeding, and in generally gave the biker a hard time.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The biker said, "Having some problems with Circle Flies ?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of Circle Flies." So the biker says--"Well, Circle Flies are common on farms. See, they're called Circle Flies because they're always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a minute he stops and says, "Hey - Are you trying to call me a horse's behind?" The biker says, "No officer. I have too much respect for cops to even think about calling you a horse's behind." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

As the trooper hands him the ticket, the biker says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Mon Nov 01, 2010 3:49 pm

A biker came home from the road, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little confused, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little pissed, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The biker throws his hands up, shakes his head and sighed. "it's started.
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Re: How about a joke thread

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