How about a joke thread

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Jack the Bagger on Wed Mar 02, 2011 3:29 am

logic of a six year old :

teacher is telling story of the three little pigs and gets to the part where the first pig asks the farmer for some straw to build a house ..

"And what do you think the farmer's reply was when the little pig asked for some straw"?

Little Johnny's hand shot up

" Son of a B**** , a talking pig"!!!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Miss G on Wed Mar 02, 2011 7:28 am

lol!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 01YZF6 on Wed Mar 02, 2011 9:45 pm

Neil Armstrong's little secret...

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR
MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE
MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S
ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO
EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE
THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK
CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN
EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS
TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG
ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING
QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-
YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW
ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN
TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS
FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR
BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE CLIMBED OVER THE FENCE TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG
ARMSTRONG OVER HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

"SEX!? YOU WANT SEX?!

YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

TRUE STORY.


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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Jack the Bagger on Thu Mar 03, 2011 2:10 am

good story , but is an urban legend
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Jack the Bagger on Thu Mar 03, 2011 7:42 pm

This pro union fella is in Vegas , and is in need of companionship ..

So he decides he will see if he can find a reputable union house to visit ,,

First place he goes to says "nope not union here"

Second place "yes sir we are union and proud of it"

"So if I give you $100 , how much does the house get and how much does the girl get ?"

"House gets $80 , girls get $20"

Infuriated , because he does think thats fair , he moves on

Next house

"yes we are union and proud of it"

"If I give you $100 , what does the house get and what does the girl get ?"

"House gets $20 , girl gets $80"

So he is happy , looks over the girls and sees this long legged sweet young thing

"I'll take that one" he says

Madam says

"Sorry sir , we follow union rules , Ethel over there is 92 and has 67 years seniority , union rules say she is next"
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 01YZF6 on Thu Mar 03, 2011 9:55 pm

hahahah !

nice !
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by 01YZF6 on Thu Mar 03, 2011 9:55 pm

FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP !!!

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "local redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed (Cool and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". Bubba replied, "No, it ain't rigged Billy Ray -- my wife won twice last week."

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Jack the Bagger on Thu Mar 03, 2011 10:34 pm

werent rednecks , was two auburn grads by my book , but Lewis Grizzard said they was Ga Techies
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Fri Mar 11, 2011 12:05 pm

IT'S NOT OUR MEMORY!---- ITS OUR RETRIEVAL SYSTEM!

Ethel and Mabel.....


Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'



When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big s*it he always was.'


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'




A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'







When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'





THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Fri Mar 11, 2011 1:08 pm

You gotta listen to this CW song!!!

After listening to this don't tell me you don't like Country Music.
>
>
>
> http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=pjkLf_X88WM&vq=medium
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Nat Sass on Fri Mar 11, 2011 3:15 pm

A friend of mine whose wife had been a cheerleader in high school, had just built a new house.

One day, shortly after they had moved in to the new house, his wife was getting out of the shower and slipped. She landed, doing the splits, and hit the floor. Then she realized that she was suction cupped to the floor and couldn't get up. She yelled for her husband to come help her. He came in, tugged and pulled, but her hoo hoo was suctioned to the floor and he couldn't budge her.

Then she suggested that he go out to the garage, get a hammer and chisel and chisel up the tile she was stuck to. After he returned to the bathroom with the hammer and chisel, he asked if he could squeeze her boobies. She asked him why he wanted to do that. He replied...

So I can slide you into the kitchen, the tiles in there were much cheaper!

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Thu Mar 17, 2011 4:37 pm

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything
they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again.



The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'


The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in
my life, I don't know what it is.'






While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved
up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them
into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the
walls light up sequentially.



They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in
the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.



The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....


'Go get your Mother'
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Miss G on Fri Mar 18, 2011 10:15 am

lol! Lmao!!!!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Sat Mar 19, 2011 6:16 pm

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Thu Mar 24, 2011 2:30 pm

A man is sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you.”

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me... talking to the beer."
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Mon Mar 28, 2011 10:26 pm

At a bar.


Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn't matter to me. I just love it."



Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Mon Mar 28, 2011 11:05 pm

I just stole it. lol!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jmunsey on Mon Apr 04, 2011 9:00 am

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to
audit the books of a local hospital.
.
While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the
CFO of the hospital and said, I notice you buy a lot of rolls
of bandages . . . what do you do with the end of the roll
when there’s too little left to be of any use ?
.
Good question, replied the CFO, we save them up and
send them back to the bandage company and every
now and then they send us a free box of bandages.
.
Oh, the auditor said, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But he continued on in his
obnoxious way.
.
What about all these plaster purchases ? What do you do
with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient ?
.
Ah, yes, answered the CFO, realizing that the inspector was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. We save it
and send it back to the manufacturer, and every so
often they send us a free package of plaster.
.
I see, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the CFO.
.
Well, he went on with a grin on his face, Tell me, what do you
do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions
you perform at the hospital ? This time the arrogant auditor
felt confidant he'd finally come up with a question that would
surely stump the CFO.
.
Here, too, we do not waste !!! answered the CFO. What
we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to
the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a
complete DICK !!!
.
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by hayweed on Mon Apr 04, 2011 10:17 am

Sweet. I love it. ROFLMAO.

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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Miss G on Mon Apr 04, 2011 4:31 pm

Woo hoo...that's the d@mned truth!!!!! lol!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by crispy on Mon Apr 04, 2011 7:25 pm

lol!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Miss G on Tue Apr 05, 2011 3:26 pm

Two dylexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands, mother stickers, this is a f*ck up"!!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by jughead on Tue Apr 05, 2011 9:34 pm

How about the dyslexic Atheists carrying the signs that say

THERE IS NO DOG!
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by Miss G on Wed Apr 06, 2011 7:47 am

jughead wrote:How about the dyslexic Atheists carrying the signs that say

THERE IS NO DOG!

lol! *snort*
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Re: How about a joke thread

Post by ratznfragn on Wed Apr 06, 2011 12:57 pm

And an agnostic dyslexic insomniac lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
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Re: How about a joke thread

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